11:26 PM JustJaslin 0 Comments

heyy guys. im back and im picking myself up. slowly. something to say forehand, this would be an extremely wordy post. sorry for killing your eyes. heh.

anyways, i wont be blogging out my score for each subject/where im heading until my posting results are out. all i can say is, i totally screwed my languages. my L1. my most important subject. yes, im not ashamed to say that i screwed english. and when i say screwed, i dont mean a B4 or C5. its a shocking C6.

yesterday as mr lee handed out my results slip to me, i couldnt believe what i saw. my eyes darted from the grade C and the word "SIX" back and forth, back and forth. my heart skipped a beat, jaws dropped, i nearly forgot how to breath. is this result slip mine? i checked the name. IC. no it couldnt be, no it couldnt be. NO.

when sy deardear came up to me to ask, i told her "i got a C6 for my english!"
and at that point of time, a million things crossed my mind. and that's when reality set in. i broke into tears right at the spot. i cant keep my cool and say : oh its okay. its just my luck this time.

NO, i cant. for the four years in cchy, all im studying is for this result. i cant take it ever so cool and say there'll be another time. NO. this result slip can never be changed.

how is it going to reflect on my english next time when i go a interview?
how is my future employers going to think?
how am i going to get into AJC?
how's my future gonna be like?
how in the world i landed with a C6?
did they scanned the wrong score for me?
did the papers got destroyed?
did the markers skipped a page of my paper?
WHAT happened?
WHAT happened to my english paper?

no, my oral went fine. couldnt be oral.
no, couldnt be my compositions. personally feeling, i wrote well. in fact better.
no, couldnt be my comprehensions. i did as normal.
no, couldnt be my summary. i didnt summarise the wrong paragraph.

WHAT WENT WRONG? i've been searching for the answer ever since yesterday. i dont understand what went wrong? what went so wrong that i could even score a C6 for my english? i've been scoring consistent A2~B4s for the past four years. not even once had i landed myself on a SIX. S-I-X. at the worse, i was still expecting only a B3 for my english. why. WHY SIX.

and there, i sat at the hall, crying my heart out for almost two whole hours. packets and packets of tissues people gave me. people and people who came by to comfort me. one by one who came by to stroke my back. words of consolation after words. never once had i lifted up my head, never once had my hands left my face.

it hurt. it hurt real badly to know that all my efforts had gone down the drain, for my most important subject. i was so full of emotions that moment. anger, sadness, stunned. for once, i was lost. im lost at where my future would head for, where it would be. a C6 for english is already to save me. looking at my higher chinese, its a C6 as well. nothing to save. nothing

and then, messages and calls came flooding in. im sorry if i hadnt reply your messages be it on msn or sms, or if i had not picked up your call. im in no mood for that. and then more things came into my head.

how am i going to tell my mum who had such high hopes for me?
how am i going to lift my head high infront of my relatives? (u guys wont understand)
how am i going to face people?

im seriously lost. if only my english got a B3, i could have got into AJC. but no. no more AJC. its just nanyang jc, yishun jc, and so on. i counted my L1R5. no, not good enough for a good jc. is my R4 good enough for a poly? i had no idea. i dont even have a JAE booklet in hand. what to do? how to do? where to go?

the thought of heading to a poly comforted me a little. but no, everything seemed impossible with my mum adamant on me heading for a jc. even if it is YJC. no poly, no poly, no poly. called my mum, and i almost hear the disappointment in her voice. but yet she's trying to be understanding.

but after a while, she called to say that i could still qualify for nanyang. given the affliated, cca, and my higher chinese, which gives me a bonus of 6 points off my R5. but, hell no. i'll never want to go nanyang. not even a single thought for nanyang esp after that NYJCian who appeared on my tagboard.

mr lee came over to comfort me also. and he also helped me to talk to my mum regarding the poly and jc thing. the thing that's worrying me is that my mum would never allow me to head for a poly. what to do? what to do? i had no idea

back at home at night, when my mum came back, she was still contemplating about letting me to head for a poly. there i was, anxiously flipping through those magazine and infomation booklets given by ngee ann poly and spore poly. it felt a bit comforting, cause i might be freed from a JC route.

but everything changed after a call from my aunt. guess you can expect much. and there, my mum, sort of brainwashed. and from then onwards, she nagged and nagged non stop. for hours. about JC. why this, why that. and for a moment, i cursed the UnitedStates and Spore government for the economic crisis. (a poly education need more money)

and there, tears came flowing out. and in my room, i cried. silently.

why in the world am i landed with this score?
why in the world cant my english get a lil bit higher?
why in the world so big, that im stuck nowhere.
nowhere to head for.

-im denied of my wants.
-im forced for my rejects.

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